I was...

“I am awfully greedy; I want everything from life. I want to be a woman and to be a man, to have many friends and to have loneliness, to work much and write good books, to travel and enjoy myself, to be selfish and to be unselfish… You see, it is difficult to get all which I want. And then when I do not succeed I get mad with anger.” ― Simone de Beauvoir

I was, as any normal teenage would be, a mess. In all honesty i wouldve just answered this with the quote from above because that perfectly captures me at the start of this year. I love this "question", it really makes me think about how much ive changed over the year and yada yada yada. However, to understand how much ive changed this year i should probably explain last year me ( its pretty cringe worthy i used to be straight.)

not so tragic backstory, i moved here from Florida something literally everyone i talked to knows that because i implicitly state it. I was probably one of the most indifferent and apathetic you could meet for the first semester because i basically hated everything to do with my move here and i was just being a pain in the ass/ angsty teen. Because of this i would get in to "debates" aka me just ranting to any one about something that i believed strongly in with everyone- and i do mean everyone (just ask Mrs. Hicks) now thats like half of my not so tragic backstory that you didnt ask for.

in short, at the start of this year i was a mess. i had no where to go but no real reason to stay. i was lost figuratively and literally. spiritually, emotionally and physically. i was angry and i was honestly not ready to face life and adulthood even though i kept telling myself i was. i cant say that English with Mama G has shown me how to not be the bitter gay person i am but it has shown me to just let it be. i had a pretty firm grip on what i life and living meant to me but that changed this year not by a lot be enough to give me a different understanding on life. in short i learned how to understand life and what it would bring.
Thanks Mama G and thanks to everyone in IB, the last two years have been interesting. Good luck to everyone.

" Why,now i shall know whether there is anything in you, (something i cant decipher)
i shall see how much you can stand
perhaps
i shall see the crash -is all then (illegible)?"

this is kind of interesting because it shows how Whitman is thinking through this point. it is noted that this was during a period where Whitman is writing out a "fake conversation" with Abe Lincoln. interestingly enough this poem or small part of the conversation is something i can see being said at some point to the president during the civil war. more importantly something said while the Union was losing.
it is later said that he asked in the poem if all is lost. this would be a him asking lincoln if the reason they are fighting is lost. he is asking Abe if the people of the union will see the whole thing crash and burn basically. which is kind of a slap to the face but considering his brother was/is going to be injured in the war (AND if Whitman was as gay as i think his male companion who is rumored to be peter doyle aka peter the great he also was apart of the war both physically and then later as an blacksmith who helped make weapons and all, which took a toll on him mentally and physically but i might just be Gay-baiting)

What also catches my eyes are the drawings at the end of the notebook. they look like they are of Whitman himself. they are all portrait style but towards the end they become more and more cartoonish in a way, meaning that his features become abnormally big or small and he starts to resemble someone from a political cartoon. However the one that is most interesting is the harp. Harps are the symbol of peace and serenity or the symbol of music. music is something that is universally understood and widely appreciated. however Whitman uses it as an emblem of poem meaning that poetry also corresponds to peace,serenity and music; which is universally understood and widely appreciated.